The Daily Life of the King
by Strike of Shadow
Summary: Ever wanted to know how Galbatorix lived his life? How does he answer mail, eat dinner, interact with people amongst other things? All these questions can be answered by reading this wonderful work of fiction. :D
1. Mail and the Throne Room

Thanks for clicking on this. :D

Hi, my name is Strike of Shadow (you can call me Rachel too). Yes, I'm the weird girl who wrote the story about Galbatorix being a pothead. Surprisingly the things that come out of my mind are not from the use of drugs or alcohol.

I am so excited to write this. :D If you love people with twisted senses of humor, you have found the right place to be. And I highly recommend you to read "Quest for Sanity" too, because it makes the story five times more funny.

But besides that crap...

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon. If I did, that would be freaking awesome to the max man.

Rating: T (language)

Genre: Humor

Summary: Ever wanted to know how Galbatorix lived his life? How does he answer mail, look at himself in the mirror, eat dinner? All these questions can be answered by reading this wonderful work of fiction. :D (Summary sucks, just read it dude)

Talking = "I think my toothbrush is in love with my stapler."

Thinking = _Wow this story already makes no sense whatsoever._

And one note, this story supports my theory that Galbatorix is a crazy old man and the reason why no one sees him is because of his insanity. That is all.

* * *

Once upon a time in a place called Alagaesia, there was a king named Galbatorix who ruled the land. In legends he was deemed as a ruthless and cruel man, and even sent two races of beings into hiding for a hundred years. The years of his rule were terrible for those who stayed in plain view, and many people lived in fear of King Galbatorix and his army.

The king kept himself locked in his castle to make sure he was unstoppable and so he couldn't be harmed from an unthinkable force. Because of this, the only people to behold the terrible king were his servants, his closest companions, and those deemed worthy enough to see him (like the pizza guy who lived next door).

And those poor, poor souls. They had to endure being in this king's almighty presence from day in and day out because most of those souls were never able to leave the castle grounds. And why were all of these people in the castle never allowed to leave the castle grounds, you ask?

King Galbatorix the Great was slowly growing insane from his old age.

(A/N: His age is presumely around 750 million years old according to Caprice Manachi's tell all book called "Galbatorix the Insane: How I Dealt Living With This Old Man for a Month")

"So I told him" Galbatorix said sitting in his nice chair in his throne room pointing at Durza, "where's my slippers?"

Durza gave a nervous laugh and changed the subject abruptly. "So where do you want me to put the troops at, your majesty?"

"What about Melrose Place?" Galbatorix exclaimed.

"Melrose Place?" Durza asked with an astonished tone. "Where is that?"

"You know that place with all those teenyboppers and their rap music!" Galbatorix replied. "They'd never expect it!"

Durza nodded his head with a confused look on his face. "Alright, your majesty, it shall be done."

Galbatorix grinned. _Haha, take that Aaron Spelling! Now you won't have your strange world of sex, lies, money, and illegal substances after my army attacks!_

After finishing that thought, the local mailman walked in the throne room with a small bag of letters. To try to avoid conversation with the old man, he held his head down and placed the medium-sized brown bag on the ground under Galbatorix. Before he could take a step back towards the door, Galbatorix opened his mouth.

"Mailman, you gave me some letters!" Galbatorix exclaimed.

"Yes, sir." the mailman answered in a dull tone.

"Will you tell Sheila that I say hi?" Galbatorix asked.

"Sure." the mailman replied.

He took two or three steps away from the king until Galbatorix's voice raised again.

"And can you tell that to Tyrone too?" he inquired.

"I will." the mailman replied again.

He took another step. He cringed when the king's voice raised a third time.

"And Jounouchi Katsuya?" Galbatorix questioned.

"Yes." the mailman answered in an annoyed tone.

For every step the mailman took, Galbatorix asked to add another name to the list. This listed included: Geri, Alan, Samuel, Darrell, Spiderman, Yolanda, Anna. The mailman was about to walk out of the room and then Galbatorix raised his voice again.

"And the ugly chick from 'Sex and the City'? " Galbatorix asked.

"Yes, yes, I'll tell them all!" the mailman screamed. He proceeded to pull some hair out his head and ran out of the room screaming.

Galbatorix tilited his head and sneered at the mailman running away. "What put his panties in a twister?"

After the screaming subsided, the king bent down and pulled a huge stack of letters from the bag. He looked at the envelopes to determine what each letter contained.

"Bill, junk, restraining order, complaint, junk...CHARITABLE DONATION?" Galbatorix exclaimed. "HOW COULD SOME ASK ME FOR A CHARITABLE DONATION?!"

Galbatorix scanned the envelope to see how had sent him this terrible letter. "The Church of Helgrind?" Galbatorix cried out. "What blasphemy! You shall pay for asking me for a charitable donation!"

The old king pulled out a list and a pen from his pocket. At the top of list it said "People to get Revenge On". He crossed Aaron Spelling of his list and added the Church of Helgrind to his list. There were two uncrossed names on the list. These two names were Eragon and Yu-Gi-Oh. Galbatorix placed the list and his pen back into this pocket.

"What other goodies does the mail hold for me today?" Galbatorix stated with an excited tone.

He looked through the mailbag and pulled a yellow envelope out of the bag. The king tore the envelope open and pulled the letter out. He began to read the letter.

"Dear Galbatorix,

Hey Galbatorix, this is uhh...Eragon...a. Yeah Eragona! I'm your great grandma that's older than the dinosaurs! I would like to come "visit" you sometime soon so we could catch up. I haven't seen you in ages! You must be all grown up by now. Well, write back to your dear ol' granny because I'd love to see you!

Love,  
Eragona

P.S. This is definitely not Eragon."

Galbatorix smiled and wiped a tear off his eye. "What a lovely message." Galbatorix pulled out a pen and paper out of nowhere and began to reply to the message.

"Dear Grandma,

Remember that time I drove two races of beings into hiding? Maybe you can show me that way how to torture traitors again! That was so fun! Watching them scream in absolute pain while we laughed and sipped on some sweet tea. Oh, those were the gay ol' times! Sometime we should do it again Grandma!

Ooh the sounds of screaming ringing again in my head,  
Galbatorix"

When Galbatorix finished writing his letter, Murtagh sauntered into the room with his superior angst-ness and looked at the smiling king.

"Did someone write you another letter pretending to be your grandmother?" Murtagh asked.

"My dear grandma" Galbatorix reminisced, "I remember the time she told me that a mass extinction of all the non-human races was a good idea."

"Wasn't that your idea after they all got pissed off at you?" Murtagh questioned.

"Murtagh there is one thing in life that you need to still learn." Galbatorix stated.

He picked up a random opened letter from the bag. "Like Jessica from Reno, California says here: Boxers or briefs? or Pablo from Margaritaville: no comprendo esto cuento y por qué su ser escrito."

"What is that supposed to teach me?" Murtagh asked with an annoyed tone.

Galbatorix was staring off in space and then realized Murtagh was there. "Murtagh, did I ever tell you the story about my Grandma?"

Murtagh groaned. _Not this again._

_

* * *

_

Yes, no, maybe so? This chapter is rather random but its introducing you to his craziness. Plus I needed to establish the fact the Galbatorix loves violence and torture but hates Yugioh, Eragon, and charities. Also that he is completely crazy and makes no sense.

Read and review, please. :D


	2. A Nice Walk with Shruikan

For those who are still interested in this story *coughcoughprobablynoonecoughcough*, here's chapter two. The daily task we view in this chapter is walking the dog...err dragon.

I hope its not as bizarre as the first one. If it is, I'm sorry. :( I'm really random, and some of the things that I don't find bizarre and think are absolutely hilarious are usually completely bizarre to other people.

And also _italics_ denote when Shruikan or any dragon is talking to Galbatorix as well as thoughts.

There is a small blurb of a song called "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley in here. Haha, rickrolled. (if you don't know what it is, look it up on wikipedia)

* * *

The sun dial had finally reached midday.

Various people had come to visit Galbatorix today. First Durza came in the morning, then the mail man, then Murtagh in his angstness, and lastly the chef asking what he would like to eat for dinner. Growing tiresome, Galbatorix yawned and stretched his limbs.

"What a long day it has been." Galbatorix said to himself out loud.

Then, all of sudden, Galbatorix heard a distinct male voice.

_Really? Because I haven't ate for a week. So it would be nice if you let me free so I could eat...and this room reeks of mold and burnt plastic..._

Galbatorix stiffened and looked around the room to see no one was there. "Whoosit...whatsit talkin' to me?!" Galbatorix shouted. "This hasn't happened since the Christmas of '72 when I stomped all those dwarves!" Galbatorix paused. "Are you Santa Claus?"

A frustrated sigh emitted from the voice. _I am NOT Santa Claus._

"Good" Galbatorix retorted, "because I did not ruin Christmas that year. It was definitely the Grinch who stole Christmas!"

_Galbatorix, can you please snap out of being absolutely insane for a minute so I can please eat?_ The dragon pleaded.

"Oh, oh, ooooooh" Galbatorix exclaimed in a shrilled tone, "Shruikan you should have just asked me, you silly dragon!"

_I did. And every time I asked, you had something "more" important to do. For example, when I asked yesterday, you claimed you were too busy even though you sat in the throne room staring at the wall with your mouth wide open for three consecutive hours. _Shruikan explained.

"I should take you for a walk!" Galbatorix exclaimed as he changed the subject. Another frustrated sigh erupted from the dragon.

Galbatorix got up from his chair and walked out of the throne room. He went through a dark and winding corridor and then turned left. He heard blaring alternative metal music emitting from Murtagh's room. Galbatorix growled. As much as he hated charities, Eragon, and Yugioh, he hated alternative rock music almost as much.

Galbatorix stomped over to the door and ripped it open. Galbatorix looked into the room to see no sign of Murtagh or hear any of the horrendous alternative metal music. Then a song began to play on the stereo.

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you," Rick Astley sang from the CD. "never gonna you make cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."

Realizing what happened, Galbatorix exclaimed, "I've been rickrolled!"

He quickly shut the door as fast as possible.

"Damn you Murtagh" Galbatorix yelled as he shook his fist at the air, "you will definitely pay for this embarrassment in the not so distant future!"

Galbatorix continued his journey towards Shruikan's quarters. He took a straight path for awhile, and then turned left. Then he made an immediate right. The king walked exactly 17.436 feet and then turned 45 degrees to the left. He walked for a really long time (approximately 10.8932 minutes) and finally made it Shruikan's quarters. He carefully opened the door to Shruikan's quarters due to his recent rickrolling.

_About freaking time._ Shruikan greeted.

Galbatorix made a sigh of relief when he heard Shruikan's voice. The king walked into the dingy room. Two measly lights hung from the ceiling and hay covered the floor. The black creature that had called him all this way sat in the corner of the room with a rather angry look on its face.

"Are you ready for our walk?" Galbatorix asked excitedly. He began to pull a leash off the wall.

_I am not going on a walk. Especially with the likes of you. _Shruikan stated.

"Oh come on Shruikan! It'll be like old times..." Galbatorix exclaimed with the leash in his hand. He slowly walked over to the looming black dragon.

_Absolutely not. _Shruikan interrupted.

"It'll be an adventure!" Galbatorix said as he moved even closer to the dragon.

_That still doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be seen with you. _Shruikan said.

"Hold still!" Galbatorix commanded as lassoed the leash in the air. Shruikan growled and then breathed fire at the lasso. Galbatorix was able to dodged the fire and somehow managed to lasso the leash on to the black creature's neck. The dragon growled even more and shook its head to try free himself from his bondage. Galbatorix grinned manically and pulled the doors open to the stable.

_Untie me, you fool! _Shruikan demanded.

Galbatorix ignored the dragon and walked outside. Shruikan stayed in his place until he was choked into moving outside. The dragon growled again.

_If prescription drugs existed right now, I wouldn't have this problem... _Shruikan grumbled to himself.

Galbatorix skipped around the backyard as Shruikan sauntered behind him. The king turned around and looked at Shruikan expectedly. Confused, Shruikan just looked back at the insane old man.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Galbatorix asked.

_Here, let me use my special photosynthesis powers to soak in energy from the sun! _Shruikan replied sarcastically. _Seriously, what do you expect me to eat?_

Galbatorix pointed the the grass on the ground. Shruikan looked at the king with a dumbfounded look.

_Are you serious? _Shruikan exclaimed. _What the hell do you think I am, a goat?_

Galbatorix just looked at the dragon and grinned. The dragon looked back at the king and growled at him.

"I love hanging out with you Shruikan." Galbatorix said. "And look, there's some nice looking deer over there drinking some water to join us on our nice walk."

The dragon ears perked up and turned its head to see the deer. He began to walk over to the deer and Galbatorix pulled him back. The dragon growled and looked at the insane old man giving him an expression of disapproval.

_What can I do to make this nitwit drop that god forsaken leash so I can go munch on those deer... _The black creature pondered.

After a minute or two of staring at the kooky old man, the dragon bared his teeth and looked like he was absolutely up to no good.

_"Oh my god, Galbatorix! I think I just saw Eragon run into the forest with a bag of charitable donations listening to some John Mayer!" _Shruikan cried.

"Oh dear god!" the king gasped.

The dragon took this time as opportunity to make his getaway. The dragon took three steps but then was jerked back. Shruikan turned around to see the old man smiling and pulling the leash back.

"Thought you had tricked me this time, dragon!" Galbatorix stated in a Sean Connery accent. "I'm not that insane...yet!"

A growl erupted from the frustrated black dragon.

_I officially hate my life._ Shruikan said to himself.

* * *

Yay Chapter 2. I love how Shruikan hates Galbatorix. haha And I like the random spurts in time when Galbatorix isn't crazy, which was like one line in this entire chapter. I think I might have more random normal Galbatorix moments. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Reviews would be greatly appreciated. Even if you want to tell me that I need to put in a mental asylum, I don't care. :D


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